Your Secrets Are Your Own

Dear World,

Okay, so here’s the thing: people’s secrets are their own. If someone chooses to tell you a secret of theirs, that doesn’t mean it becomes your secret to tell. It doesn’t matter if it would make a really good piece of gossip or if you feel that someone else has a right to know; you need to keep your mouth shut unless they tell you otherwise.

Because I don’t want to tell stories about people in my life and potentially reveal something I shouldn’t, this story is a fictional one, but it is definitely comparable to nonfictional ones.

Meet Aidan. He is sixteen years old, he goes to a normal public high school, and he just so happens to be gay. He has come out to his circle of friends, but no one outside that. One day, he gets asked on a date by Chad, the guy he had had a crush on for months. He tells his parents he’s going to a friend’s house, and then goes to the movies with Chad. Over the next few weeks, Aidan and Chad get closer, and then Chad asks Aidan to be his boyfriend.  Ecstatic, Aidan says yes.

The couple spends a blissful few weeks together; Aidan has never been happier than when he’s with Chad. Eventually Chad (who is already out to his family) introduces Aidan to his parents. This makes Aidan think about introducing Chad to his parents. That would mean coming out to them, but he doesn’t think he has to be too worried about that. So the next day, Aidan brings Chad home with him, and they sit down to have a talk with his parents. They are shocked, but once they settle, they react neutrally, and since they still treat Chad just fine, Aidan is okay with neutral. Over the next few days, they are a bit distant, but they show no signs of any negative reactions.

Then, a few days later, Aidan’s mom says that she thinks he really ought to tell everyone at the overnight camp he works at, and has been attending from the age of eight. She explains that if she were the parent of the campers he would be in charge of, she would not want her child in a cabin with a gay man. She says that the whole camp deserves to know, for protection. The unspoken words are that she thinks the camp needs to be protected from him, because she doesn’t trust him.

Her words cut Aidan deep. It hurts him that she doesn’t trust him, that she has such little faith in him. Does she think that he would behave that way toward little children, or really anyone at all, especially when she was just introduced to his boyfriend? He doesn’t know what to think, except that he knows he regrets coming out to his parents. He walks around in a haze for a few days, unsure of what to do, until his mother tells him that if he doesn’t tell the camp, she will.

Now if her first statement, that Aidan should tell the camp because they deserve to know, didn’t bother you, well, it should have. It’s not okay to pressure someone to tell people secrets about themselves that they’re not comfortable sharing. It doesn’t matter who they are to you, or why you think the other people ought to know. You don’t pressure someone to do anything they are uncomfortable with.

If the first statement didn’t bother you, the second statement certainly should. It doesn’t matter that she is his mother. It is not her secret to tell. If she had trusted him with something private, say an affair she had a few years back (not that she would tell Aidan about it, since he’s her son… Oh, just work with me here.), he would not immediately rush off to tell his father. If he did, he would be grounded for the rest of his life, after his parents divorced due to the repercussions, of course. The point is, she would not want her secrets spilled for the world to hear, so why would she think it’s okay to do that to her very own son? Not only is it not her secret to tell, but she hasn’t even thought of the repercussions! Aidan would likely never trust her again, and their relationship would be strained for at the very least a good long while, if not forever. There’s also a possibility that there would be repercussions from the camp, perhaps even a termination of Aidan’s position there (depending on what sort of camp it is).

The moral of this story is, if you are told a secret by someone, there is only one thing you should do with it: keep it. Don’t assume anyone else knows, and don’t take it upon yourself to tell someone who doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if they are a friend, sibling, parent, or child, and it doesn’t matter what their secret is. Please, do not break their trust. Trust is a fragile thing, and you should do your best to protect it. Please try to keep this in mind as you go through your life.

And that’s all there is, there isn’t any more.

Don’t Forget To Be Awesome,
Ilana